The Loss of a Fourth Baby, Humility, Mercy, and Rejoicing

So much has happened since I last wrote, so I will start at approximately the point at which I stopped writing.  I suffered a fourth miscarriage one week before my birthday in September - one week before I would be 3mos. pregnant - one week before we would joyfully tell all our family and friends of the impending arrival of a new baby.  We had already lost a baby back in the spring, and that was devastating for all of us.  That baby changed me in so many ways.  The loss of a second baby in one year was just, well... unbelievable.  It happened so quickly that I hardly had time to process it all.  If my husband had not been home, I might have died that day as I passed out from extreme blood loss and dangerously low blood pressure.  I remember waking up as the paramedics arrived shouting through our front door.  It was such an ethereal feeling.  I had been in such excruciating pain since the early morning - not being able to control the pain with meds we already had in the house - and yet, I woke up on my unforgiving wood bedroom floor without any pain at all.  I was completely numb.  It was as if time was at a standstill and I was watching from above all that was happening…paramedics, three young children at home, and one very concerned husband who had been unable to wake me.

I don't know what would have happened if my husband had not been home.  I shudder to think my children would have spent this last Christmas without their mother.

I spent that day in the ER and the next day on the cardiac floor.  I laid flat for so long just drifting in and out of sleep, a drug induced haze, my thoughts, and my prayers.  I slipped easily between tears, feelings of incredulity, and feelings of anger. I kept telling myself that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that baby was not meant to be here.  In all the horror, He had spared my life.  I had been spared and given another chance.  All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed with my children and husband and snuggle the days away.  All I wanted was to see them, touch them, smell them.  For two days I lay in a hospital bed alone thinking only of going home and being with them.  Nothing in this life mattered more to me than being close with my family - like close enough that you feel your children's hair on your face and smell their sweetness flowing from their pores.

Of course there were times I really wanted to just have a pity party for myself in that hospital bed, but something took hold of me, and I rejoiced at life.  I can't explain it, other than to say I had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. I rejoiced at all God had already given me, not what He had taken away.  In my pitiful state, I felt blessed beyond compare.  I was humbled, yet shown mercy.  I was alone, yet felt loved.  I was literally only half the person I had been two days prior, yet I felt whole and complete.  I was distraught over the loss of my fourth baby, yet I rejoiced at the four children I had at home waiting for me to come home.  God is the Almighty.  His wisdom exceeds anything we can ever comprehend.  I took comfort in that as well.  I left that hospital bed renewed in the gift of life He has already given me.  I was energized for what lay ahead of me…organizing my parish's Healing Mass in one week... speaking for my parish's women's retreat in one month…and organizing and moderating my Archdiocese's very first women's conference with Johnnette Benkovic as the guest speaker.  Of course, I would have to then fit in Thanksgiving, my 8yo's birthday, our 24th wedding anniversary, and Christmas by the end of the year.

It was all done.  Details will follow. I am happy to be in a new year.  Challenges will lie ahead for all of us in 2014.  May we all face them with courage and a humble and thankful heart.