How many times in your life have you felt wronged? What did that person or persons do to you? Was it as simple as someone cutting in front of you in line, or was it someone stole an idea of yours and then received the credit? Has anyone ever lied about something you did or said and convinced others to believe their version of the story? Were you abandoned by a parent or both parents? Have you ever been mistreated by a boyfriend or spouse, and it seems they walk away unscathed while you are the one left alone on the battlefield with the wounds? Have you ever been abused - emotionally or physically or both? Has someone close to you been killed at the hands of another? Anyone who has experienced any of these scenarios knows that the pain involved is very real, very scarring, and very lasting. Even though as Christians we know we are supposed to forgive, it's the getting to that point - I mean truly getting to a point of freeing yourself from feelings of hurt, anger, or revenge - that is the toughest part.
How do we forgive to the point where we don't have any ill feelings towards the assailant? I am not ashamed to say that I personally find this very difficult. I can say the words, "I forgive," but to actually feel it to the depths of my soul is difficult to attain. I do know it takes time, and I know the amount of time is different for everyone and every scenario. The first and most important thing one must do is to take time praying for your heart to open up and hear what Jesus is telling you. We all know God's time is not our time, so praying will become a habit if it's not already. It will take time sitting before our Lord in adoration. Perhaps it will take a trip (or two or three or more) to a confessional - ahhhhh horrors a confessional...but sometimes we think someone wronged us and we have no part in the blame. That is where sitting and examining your conscience while meditating on all aspects of each Commandment will help us to see more clearly. Yes, forgiving takes time, prayer, meditation, and confession...which I think means it will take WORK. Darnit! It's not easy to forgive. It will take more than a simple passing thought of forgiveness when you have a scar on your soul. I think it might be human nature to want to retaliate - even if it's a short-lived thought. Don't kid yourself. You've wanted to get back at someone for something at sometime. How did the thought of retaliation make you feel? Glorious? Exalted? A winner? Like a gladiator who just conquered the lion??? After you realized you wouldn't be retaliating, how did you really feel? Worse than you did before your grandiose battle plan? You felt worse because you felt defeated. You realized the perpetrator was going to most likely get to go on with his/her life seemingly unscathed. You realized you were right back at square one. You would have to do some WORK. You would have to work on yourself and your ability to forgive.
Anger can be the tie that binds a person to a non-forgiving heart. There is such a thing as "just anger", but we would do well to look to the saints for their wisdom on this topic. In Saint Alphonsus Liguori's "On the Vice of Anger", he points to Saint Bonaventure who states that an angry man is incapable of distinguishing between what is just and unjust ("Iratus non potest videre quod justum est, vel injustum"). He also quotes Saint Jerome saying that anger is the door by which all vices enter the soul ("Omnium vitiorum janua est iracundia"). Saint Alphonsus himself says that "to be angry against sin is not anger, but zeal; and therefore it is not only lawful, but it is sometimes a duty. But our anger must be accompanied with prudence, and must appear to be directed against sin, but not against the sinner; for if the person whom we correct, perceive that we speak through passion and hatred towards him, the correction will be unprofitable and even mischievous. To be angry, then, against a brother's sin, is certainly lawful."
So when is it just or unjust? Do we have a right to feel anger for sinful actions of another? We can lawfully feel anger towards the sin, but never the sinner. It is then, as David said, we may be angry without sin. "Be ye angry, and sin not" - Psalm 4:5. But to be angry against another on account of the sin which he has committed is not lawful. In Psalm 140 and 141, David has so much beautiful wisdom for us. Psalm 140 says, "Deliver me, O Lord, from evil men; preserve me from violent men, from those who devise evil in their hearts, and stir up wars every day. They make their tongues sharp as those of serpents; the venom of asps is under their lips." Psalm 141 goes on to say, "O Lord, set a watch before my mouth, a guard at the door of my lips. Let not my heart incline to the evil of engaging in deeds of wickedness with men who are evildoers; and let me not partake of their dainties. Let the just man strike me; that is kindness; let him reprove me; it is oil for the head, which my head shall not refuse, but I will still pray under these afflictions...For toward you, O God, my Lord, my eyes are turned; in you I take refuge; strip me not of life. Keep me from the trap they have set for me, and from the snares of evildoers. Let all the wicked fall, each into his own net, while I escape." So it seems David is calling out for help when feeling the trappings of sin when one sins against him. He emphatically states he will continue to do one important thing..."pray under these afflictions". He gives us that as the key to escaping sin while "the wicked fall".
St. Thomas points out that "anger, when fully voluntary, is accompanied with a desire of revenge. (Ira est appetitus vindictoe)". Anger is like trying to tame a bucking bronco and revenge may end up like you flailing wildly to the ground. For, St. Alphonsus asks, "Who, I ask, has told you, that you have just grounds for seeking revenge? It is you, whose understanding is clouded by passions, that say so. I have already said, that anger obscures the mind, and takes away our reason and understanding." It is the anger one must move past in order to forgive as so many saints point out that anger clouds and "obscures" our reasoning. And as David wisely instructs us, we must pray through our injustices and completely trust in God. You cannot walk through your anger, resentment, feelings of revenge, and pride without the unending aid and comfort of our Lord. How would you or could you do this alone? It may feel like you are alone and abandoned in your time of despair, but you are not.
Ultimately, all we need to do is to look to the cross. Think how alone Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before his crucifixion. Did he feel abandoned? By his apostles? His followers? His own Father in Heaven??? He knew what his sentence was, but He also knew the truth - God's truth - which so many refused to believe at the time. Jesus is the ultimate example of abandoning your will to God's will. We do not always know why we are in the situations we are in, or why we experience the pain we sometimes feel, but God has an ultimate plan for us all. As believers we turn our sights to God and His will at ALL times - not just when it's convenient for us. Forgiving is just that - it is turning our sights to God, not to the evil or wrongdoers in our lives. Surely if we do not turn our sights to God, evil will take a stranglehold on our hearts and minds as we pursue an avenue of anger, hatred, and revenge. Look to Jesus crucified and our injustices will pale in comparison.
"Let all bitterness, and anger, and indignation, and clamor, and blasphemy, be put away from you, with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31
p.s. On a lighter note, my delay in writing can be directly attributed to two rounds of sicknesses going through the house, teaching a Bible study course on the Virgin Mary, preparing for a storm that never really hit us, and ALL of the Halloween festivities (costume buying, candy buying and buying and buying, parades, classroom volunteering, baking cupcakes and cookies, trunk or treating, and neighborhood trick or treating). Lord have mercy, let me get through Thanksgiving and Christmas in a calm and patient manner and let me easily forgive anyone who cuts me off on the road (presumably on their way to some awesome sale) or cuts in front of me in long holiday lines!
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