This time last year, we had only just recently found out I was pregnant. Wow...what would it be like having four children in the house? I had so many questions as to how we would manage. We don't have a ton of family help readily available, and I just found myself feeling a little overwhelmed. I had resigned myself to the fact that God was in control back on kid #2. Sooo, if I were to practice what I preached, I would have to relax and trust God with this one too.
This new baby would be blessing number four for us, and I was over-the-moon happy. Of course, I'd be lying if I didn't say I wondered if we would be buying any pink this time around, but I vowed I wouldn't go there. I was happy and wanted to stay that way. We decided not to find out if it would be a boy or a girl this time and just let it be. Man, that was a whole other issue that I could write an entire blog about. In my previous pregnancies, we had wanted to know "boy or girl" and it was always easy for the ultrasound technicians to see. The ultrasounds kind of went like this, "So you want to know? Okay, let's see if we see anything...Oh...Oh boy!!!!" With my third son, I found out by myself as my husband was home caring for our other two. I called him and said, "Well, it doesn't look like we'll need to buy new crib bedding."
This fourth baby was different though. I went for three ultrasounds - even paying for a fourth (the 4d) - and every time the baby was turned so no one could see. The baby was shy I thought. I had a hunch it was a girl, but I would never dare say that out loud. I just left each office visit with a big smile on my face as if it was a secret between the baby and me. Even if it had turned out to be a boy, I would have felt this really close special spiritual bond with that baby. It was as if the lines of communication were open and flowing but only between the baby and me. I reveled in it.
Okay, back to the "feeling overwhelmed" thing. Last summer, my church offered a women's Emmaus weekend retreat. For any of you who don't know what it is, it is a weekend to come to know Christ - either for the first time or to get to know him better. It is based on the Scripture passage about the two disciples who are walking on the road to the city of Emmaus soon after Jesus' death. They encounter Him on the road but do not recognize him. When they reach the city, they ask Him to stay and eat with them. "When he was at table with them, he took the bread and blessed and broke it, and gave it to them. And their eyes were opened and they recognized him; and he vanished out of their sight." Lk 24:30-32
Okay, so at this point in my life, I knew God was in control and I knew Christ had been calling me, and I knew his mother Mary had been pointing the way. Intellectually, I got all that, but I was feeling a little defeated - kind of like, "Aha! I got you when you weren't looking!" So I decided to sign myself up for the retreat in hopes that I would find out ways to be a better mother for my children. I hoped to get ideas about how to care for four children. Well, let's be honest, I was hoping angels would come down out of the ceiling and hand me all the answers written down neatly so I could easily and quickly refer back whenever an occasion should arise. Hmmmm
I went in looking for help in parenting, and I remember saying to God, "Okay, I'll go, but I'm not going to go looking for answers regarding my family. I don't even want to go there. Jesus, I'll go for you. I'll go for parenting tips and nothing else." I clearly hadn't gotten it yet! A few years back, I had attended a penance service at church and vowed to fight for Christ no matter what the cost would be. I lost my family soon after that. I had turned to St. Michael many times for strength during that period. (You can read about that story here: "Signing Up in Christ's Army" )
So, I signed myself up for the retreat and upon arrival on that first night, we were brought into a classroom and given a seating assignment. There were tables of about five or six chairs each. We were a large Emmaus group that year, twenty two I believe. One of the leaders told us which table we had been assigned, and said that each table had been given the name of an angel. I was pointed in the direction of the table to the right. My table was "St. Michael the Archangel". I literally laughed out loud. It was another "gotcha" moment, but in my stubbornness I thought it must refer to something else...it couldn't possibly have anything to do with my family. I was there to get parenting tips, after all.
On the second night of the retreat, we were brought to the church for confession and a small service afterwards. Well, I knew what I wanted to confess before I ever even walked in and thought "Great. This will be quick!" That's not really where my heart should have been before confessing...and Jesus knew that. The leaders were supposed to bring us up one by one. I sat in my chair ready to go. I waited and waited and waited...watched each woman go before me...and waited some more. People who know me know I don't wait well. I sat there thinking, "Why am I waiting here so long? Did they forget about me?" I dare say I might have had a temper tantrum in my head about having to wait (kind of an "Elaine moment" from Seinfeld). And then my line of questioning went to, "Okay, why are you making me wait here so long when you know that I have been ready to confess since I arrived?" Uh-oh, maybe Jesus was making me sit there and think about why I was really there that weekend. I hadn't wanted to think about my family. I just wanted parenting tips! I closed my eyes, humbled myself that night inside the church, and realized I needed to speak to Jesus about my relationship with my family. I agreed that's what I would do. Right then, one of the leaders tapped me on the shoulder and walked with me to the confessional. It was one of the greatest nights I have ever had. I walked out finally free...no more chains...Jesus had waited patiently for me to move through my selfishness and tantrums to finally come to Him in humility and ask for absolution.
There were a few other things that happened that weekend that are inexplicable except for the answer that with God all things are possible and Jesus is walking with us on our journeys. It's really a matter of whether or not we see Him. I went into the weekend with hesitation, wondering if I would get anything out of it and found myself sitting humbly with Christ, realizing it was He who had been waiting patiently for me all my life. He had always been there and was waiting for me to see Him. In my selfish request of wanting those elusive parenting tips, I came to terms with my relationship with my family and was able to finally move past it. I felt strength like I had never felt before. I had found those precious parenting tips...for how could I be a good mother if I was stuck in the past or feeling guilty or depressed. Jesus freed me that weekend so I could be a better mother to my four children. It's amazing how God works when we let go of that wheel knowing Christ is really the one who's been driving all along - leading us to his Father.
No comments:
Post a Comment