A year and a half after my second son was born, I found myself sitting in an Easter penance service. Probably because I'm a convert, confession doesn't come easily or natural for me. I am learning, however, that it is one of the greatest and most underused sacraments. Our parish offers a penance service each Easter and Christmas so that you can come, listen to readings, write down your confessions, stand in line to present them to a priest (they also offer private confessions), and after you receive your penance, you can go outside to a small bonfire and burn your paper. It is a beautiful service, and there is something to watching your sins literally burn before your eyes.
It had now been almost twelve years since my conversion, and even though I had felt I was being led, and even pulled at times, I had a strong sense I wasn't doing enough. It went deeper than that though. For some reason, I still had an issue with Christ. I didn't feel close to Him as my savior. I believed in his life, death, and resurrection. I believed his mother Mary was leading me to Him. But was I praying to Him? After seeing the Passion of the Christ, I realized I had done nothing in comparison to what He had done for me.
So, I sat in this service and felt like a coward. I've never thought of myself as a coward in my personal life. I kind of like to take the bull by the horns, as the saying goes. But when it came to Jesus, I was timid. What could I do? What was I doing? And what was I capable of doing for Him? I realized, sitting before the crucifix, that I didn't really have to figure that out. I didn't have to know exactly where God wanted me. So I made a promise that night. I wrote on my paper a few confessions and at the bottom I wrote, "I promise I will be a soldier for Christ, no matter the cost."
Three days later, a firestorm erupted within my family. I was accused of all sorts of things I never said or did. No one was willing to listen to any explanation I could give. I felt persecuted and I didn't know why this was happening. As I've mentioned in a previous blog - My Conversion to the Catholic Faith - my parents have really been Godless for a long time. The occult consumed them, and I watched evil seep into their souls and ooze back out to touch those around them. The first attack came in the form of a phone call from my mother, and I normally would cower to her or my father just to get along. That day, I spoke my peace in a calm rational manner. It was like I was someone else. She didn't listen, but screamed, ranted, and swore at me. I never lost my temper and tried to give explanations to her accusations.
As soon as I hung up with her, I began shaking and crying and I realized then it had been the Holy Spirit with me on that phone - giving me the words to say. I could have never come up with the words on my own. Christ even said to his apostles upon their commissioning that they need not worry about words; that they would come as the Spirit of the Father. I have since not worried very much about speaking the truth. I have learned that the truth really will set you free. It is in seeking truth that we find God and His plan for each of us. After two years of repeated attacks through emails, phone messages, and letter, I ultimately lost my family - parents, sister, grandfather, aunt, cousins, etc. - but I gained a new family. I began to feel, for the first time in my life, that I had a place in Christ's family and I was willing to fight for it.
I began to pray to St. Michael the Archangel to give me strength if I were to be in this army. This was an army that was "persecuted for righteousness sake". I was scared because I knew this would not be easy. I was willing to take on this awesome responsibility anyway. I did not know exactly where God would use me, but as I promised that night at the penance service, I would fight for Him. I would fight for the Son. I would be a soldier for Christ!
"You will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear testimony before them and the Gentiles. When they deliver you up, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour; for it is not you who speak , but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Mt 10:18-20
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